Too late now

Sunday 5th October. Husband had a mighty wobble wondering if we where doing the right thing. If prehaps we where making a very expensive mistake. What if things didnt work out? He and Daniel are still having issues. I wonder if prehaps husband is too tough or maybe I am too soft with him? Maybe they have just got into a rut antognising each other...

I hope with all my heart they can become close again. Daniel worships Garry and tries so hard to engage him but both are big grudge holders so no ground seems to be gained. Dan does not help himself with his silly mistakes and Garry seems to be especially tough on him because of previous mistakes. A vicious circle I hope can be overcome. Two people whom are scarily alike and whom I love equally it pulls me in two when they have spats.

I am concerned about the husbands wobble too. Its me that is ment to have wobbles. All along Garry has reassured me this is the right thing to do and that everything will be fine. I am not comfortable in the role reversal. I am selfish prehaps needing Garry to be the strong certain one... I know he too is entitled to his worries but he is my rock and it shakes my foundations when he is uncertain. His concerns are just as valid no less so for him knowing what he is going to. Maybe he worries as to how we will settle. Maybe he worries people will expect him to still be the guy who left and for him to still be the tearaway they knew? Maybe I should stop trying to second guess him!

He is the person I have come to depend upon. He is the foundations of our family. I know with him we will be safe. I hope he has no regrets. We have one chance at this life I should tell him I guess that if it doesnt work its not failure. Maybe that is his worry.


Monday 6th October: I offered to call everything off. Before we where in too deep. However we are going to see it through. We shall try. I will give 100% to make this work. I am told these feelings are normal a part of the process. That makes me feel no better. This time these feelings are ours and ours alone.

The removal men arrived at 9.30. It was all done by 1pm. They where fast and proffesional. My stomach is still in knots. Our life is in boxes. Our tresured memories are insomeone elses hands. Years of photos. Cards and outfits from the children as babies. My husbands irraplacable record collection. All entrusted to strangers to get them safely to our new life.

It feels strange in a house thats stripped of the personal touches is no longer a home. This waiting game we are playing is harder than I expected. This is probably the toughest thing we have faced as a family starting again in a strange place. Its an adventure yes but a scary one nonetheless.