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What a hideous day today will be. I can feel it in my bones and my snotted up nose and watery eyes. Not a cold, a tearful farewell. Mother arrived on Monday and admirably has held it all together whilst spending time with the boys. I have had to leave the room on occasion to give myself a slap and a mental "pull yourself together" lecture. As everyone else in the house lies sleeping I am awake and dreading these final hours together. Ive already had a sob on Garry's shoulder but hes had to go to work now. How I wish he was here to hold my hand.
I chickened out last night and came to bed early so I did not have to witness his goodbyes. This morning as I blew snot into his shoulder and my lip trembled he told me of Mum making him promise to take care of us. That finished me off.
She says she will try visit only its not so simple as they are disabled and on a low income. I will put what I can aside. I just know its going to be some time before we see each other again.
I have coped by submersing myself in organising this move and not actually thinking about it. Now there's nothing left to do, I am trying not to think about it. Saying goodbye though that will tear me in two.
TBC.....
PART 2
Its right when they say saying goodbye is the hardest part. I type this through tears. We held it together all morning by keeping busy. My house has never sparkled like this before. It was every bit as awful and gut wrenching as I had imagined and then some. My boys are breaking there hearts and I can't comfort them. I've tried but I cant even stem my own tears. Connor is laid with his head on my lap and I can feel his tears seeping through my trousers. Kieron held it together till we got in the house. Now he just wants to be on his own and cry. Tears are theraputic right?
Mum held me and sobbed and told me how proud she is. I love her all the more for not asking me to stay. She had a hard time accepting our decision so that means a lot, away now to hold my boys close and hopefully we will find comfort in each other
Sunday 5th October. Husband had a mighty wobble wondering if we where doing the right thing. If prehaps we where making a very expensive mistake. What if things didnt work out? He and Daniel are still having issues. I wonder if prehaps husband is too tough or maybe I am too soft with him? Maybe they have just got into a rut antognising each other...
I hope with all my heart they can become close again. Daniel worships Garry and tries so hard to engage him but both are big grudge holders so no ground seems to be gained. Dan does not help himself with his silly mistakes and Garry seems to be especially tough on him because of previous mistakes. A vicious circle I hope can be overcome. Two people whom are scarily alike and whom I love equally it pulls me in two when they have spats.
I am concerned about the husbands wobble too. Its me that is ment to have wobbles. All along Garry has reassured me this is the right thing to do and that everything will be fine. I am not comfortable in the role reversal. I am selfish prehaps needing Garry to be the strong certain one... I know he too is entitled to his worries but he is my rock and it shakes my foundations when he is uncertain. His concerns are just as valid no less so for him knowing what he is going to. Maybe he worries as to how we will settle. Maybe he worries people will expect him to still be the guy who left and for him to still be the tearaway they knew? Maybe I should stop trying to second guess him!
He is the person I have come to depend upon. He is the foundations of our family. I know with him we will be safe. I hope he has no regrets. We have one chance at this life I should tell him I guess that if it doesnt work its not failure. Maybe that is his worry.
Monday 6th October: I offered to call everything off. Before we where in too deep. However we are going to see it through. We shall try. I will give 100% to make this work. I am told these feelings are normal a part of the process. That makes me feel no better. This time these feelings are ours and ours alone.
The removal men arrived at 9.30. It was all done by 1pm. They where fast and proffesional. My stomach is still in knots. Our life is in boxes. Our tresured memories are insomeone elses hands. Years of photos. Cards and outfits from the children as babies. My husbands irraplacable record collection. All entrusted to strangers to get them safely to our new life.
It feels strange in a house thats stripped of the personal touches is no longer a home. This waiting game we are playing is harder than I expected. This is probably the toughest thing we have faced as a family starting again in a strange place. Its an adventure yes but a scary one nonetheless.
